Valentines day for bishounen
by YonderB
Summary: WARNING: you WILL lose braincells if you read this. tiniest hint of KisaIta. Itachi has to get away from civilization because it's going to be valentines day and he has to get away from the fangirls. but the fangirls come to him.


Kisame and Itachi walked toward the village, their steps quiet, their coats rustling.

"why _this_ village Itachi-san? why not a _different_ one?" whined Kisame to his partner, which he nearly never did.

"because it has less Shinobi? because there is a gender-shared hot-spring? ... because i used to _live_ there!" continued Kisame, sending an annoyed look at the silent ninja beside him.

". . ." Said Itachi, taking no notice of the paranoid shark walking beside him.

"what are you so uptight about, Kisame?" Itachi finally said, glancing his red eyes in Kisame's direction.

"because i know every single person who lives there! and they know _me_!" ranted the shark, covering his head with his hands as though someone was about to whack him over the head with a mallet.

the two entered the village and Kisame continued ranting, occasionally waving his hand in the air to make his sentences more emotional.

"i know _everyone_! i know him. and him. and her." the shark continued, pointing out people for the weasel beside him to see. "and her. and... that guy owes me money!"

Itachi grabbed the back shark's coat just in time to stop him launching at the man.

"Itachi-saaaan why did you let me kill him?" whined Kisame a few minutes later, still walking through the village.

"because that would've brought attention to us." the weasel said simply, not looking at Kisame.

"oh." the shark said, rolling his eyes.

"two mysterious figures, wearing black, red and white coats, walking through a village, one of them having _blue_ skin and the other having _red_ eyes. and you think we won't get attention brought to us?" shrieked the shark, waving his arms around like me was trying to fly.

Itachi immediately sent a frustrated glare at his partner.

"why _are_ we walking through this village anyway?" sulked Kisame, glaring at Itachi.

"... i need to get as far away from civilisation as i can because of what tomorrow is." Itachi said simply.

"oh?" muttered Kisame, if he had any eyebrows, he would've raised one.

". . ." agreed Itachi.

"and what _is_ tomorrow, may i ask?" said the shark politely.

"no. you may not ask." Itachi answered flatly. not looking at his partner.

Kisame sighed as they walked out of the village in silence.

at 11:50pm that night, Itachi was sitting under a tree with Kisame snoring quietly beside him.

Itachi's eyes dragged over the full moon in the sky... over his sleeping partner... over the small black diary that was open in his hands.

"Kisame... Kisame...!" muttered Itachi, poking his partner with his foot.

"i didn't do it..." muttered the shark, rolling over, is back to Itachi.

Itachi's eye twitched.

"i swear... she was over twelve years old...!" continued Kisame in his sleep. "not my fault! she forced me to drink that sake... mmm... sake... pork rinds... mmm..." he moaned.

Itachi had heard enough.

"KISAME." shouted Itachi, kicking Kisame hard in the ribs.

"I WANT ROOM SERVICE!" shrieked the shark, sitting bolt upright and looking around frantically.

Itachi met him with a flat look.

"what do you want, Itachi-san?" muttered Kisame, rubbing his ribs and sulking.

Itachi gave Kisame another blank look and held out the small black diary, pointing at the date of tomorrow and the big, red writing in the box.

Kisame's half-open eyes squinted at the date.

"four-teenth... of... febe... febi..." muttered Kisame, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"_February._" said Itachi flatly.

"oh. yeah. that's it!" Kisame suddenly remembered.

"okay... the big red writing says..." continued the shark.

"va-len-tines... day..."

Itachi gave Kisame a meaningful look.

Kisame gave him a blank look as his eyes started to droop.

"valentines day, Kisame!" Itachi sighed, exasperated.

". . . ?" asked Kisame sleepily, his eyes nearly completely closed.

"Valentines day is the day fan girls attack bishounen and try to kiss / grope / rape / terrorize them before the day is out." growled the weasel, poking Kisame in the shoulder to stop him falling asleep.

"uh... huh..." nodded Kisame sleepily, not paying attention.

Itachi's eye twitched.

"i want to get as far away from civilisation so the fan girls won't find me." Itachi said shortly.

Kisame nodded and stood up, swaying slightly with tired-ness.

"lets go, then... Itachi-chan." moaned the half-asleep shark.

Itachi raised an eyebrow before standing up.

"yessss... we shall run away from zhe dreaded fan girls before they attack masssster..." hissed Kisame, his back hunching and hobbling along with a limp like one of those random sidekicks of the mad-scientists in the movies.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "... you're overdoing it, Kisame."

"maaasssster is afraid is evil genius plan will go astray! we shall find the brain and we shall create frankenstein once again!" Kisame said, hobbling along the path, dragging one of his legs behind him.

Kisame had just earnt himself a sharp kick in the back.

there was a shriek of pain and Kisame decided to walk properly from now on.

Itachi checked his watch and stared at it.

12:00am. 14th day of the 2nd month.

"ITAAAAACHI-SAAAAMAAAAAAAA!"

Itachi twitched and Kisame blinked and looked around.

"what was that?" the shark asked, looking at his partner.

Itachi was stiff as a board, his eyes wide and shaking slightly.

"... help... me...!" squeaked the weasel.

the shark blinked again and poked the weasel in the shoulder. "you okay?"

the weasel immediately squeaked and cowered.

"w...t...f...?" muttered Kisame.

"ITACHI-SAMAAAAA!"

Itachi screamed and clung the closest thing to him... which was coincidentally Kisame's chest.

Kisame stared down at the shaking weasel. he had never seen Itachi like this before... then again, he had always been separate from Itachi when it was valentines day...

"... there there, mah 'tachi-chan... 'ain't no body gonna harm y'all unless ya leave ol' Kisa's arms..." cooed Kisame soothingly, yet mockingly, wrapping his arms around the shaking weasel and rocking slightly from side to side.

a small whimper came from the shaking bundle and Kisame rolled his eyes.

"when did this happen, anyway, Itachi-san? when did the fan girls choose you as a target?" asked Kisame, stroking Itachi's head lightly.

". . ." answered Itachi.

Kisame sighed.

"ITAAAAAACHI-SAAAAAMAAAAAA!"

the squealing was getting closer, Kisame noticed. and Itachi as shaking more.

"aww. c'mon, Itachi-san. what can they do to you? eh?"

_... wrong question._

Itachi's eyes were suddenly fixed on Kisame, utter terror in them.

"i. do. not. want. to. find. out." gritted out the weasel, giving Kisame the dirtiest looks he could muster.

Kisame stepped back, releasing Itachi from his 'hug'.

"... calm down. 'tachi-chan." Kisame sweat dropped, raising his hands, signalling that he didn't want a fight.

"don't call me that." glared Itachi.

"ITAAAAACHI-SAAAAMAAAAA!" came the familiar fan girl squeal, much closer than before.

Itachi squeaked again and clung to Kisame.

"... Itachi-chan?"

"don't call me that..."

"Itachi-chan."

"don't call me..."

"Itachi-C-H-A-"

"ITAAAAAAACHI-SAAAAAAMAAAAA!"

before Kisame or Itachi could say or do anything else, something had glomped Itachi and keeled him over sideways.

"AAAAHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF!" screamed Itachi, lying on the ground, waving his arms around with a random fan girl clinging to him.

"I LUFF JOO ITACHI-SAMA! LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES!" squealed the fan girl, cuddling the petrified weasel.

Kisame stared. he had just lost all respect for Itachi. the infamous Uchiha Itachi was scared of a _girl_ with a _bishounen obsession?_ wtf?

"I LUFF JOOO! LET ME HAVE YOUR--AAAAGGHHHH!" screamed the girl, as she was kicked off the weasel and her head was chopped off.

Kisame sighed and watch the blood soak into the ground and attached samahada back onto his belt again, looking over at his partner.

Itachi's eyes were wide, he was stiff as a board again, still lying on the ground and shaking.

"... dude. this is pathetic." muttered Kisame, picking up the weasel in his arms and starting to walk in the direction they were going in before.

--

Kisame sighed, it was now 3 am in the morning, the sun was only just beginning to rise. Kisame had been walking for three hours, Itachi in his arms.

Itachi had eventually calmed down, but his eyes were still really wide, he had insisted that he had to look over Kisame's shoulder; checking of any more fan girls were after him.

"i swear... i smell Uchiha blood... he's here! i know it!"

"you sure? and remember, we share!"

"pfft. fine. as long as i get his waist down, it's fine with me."

"what! i wanted that!"

"WHAT!"

Kisame and Itachi froze when that argument met their ears.

"more are coming!" squeaked Itachi.

Kisame sighed and turned around, sensing that the fan girls were pretty close by. Itachi squirmed in his arms and jumped out of them, hiding behind the shark.

"Itachi-chan, you're acting really out of character." Kisame said bluntly, hearing the fan girls come closer.

"call me that again, and die." hissed Itachi.

Kisame shrugged. "then you won't have anyone to save you from the fan girls."

". . ." answered Itachi.

--

Kisame strapped samehada back to his back and picked up Itachi, he, Kisame, covered in blood and Itachi covered in fan girl-drool.

"you have no idea how _gross_ you feel right now, Itachi-san..." muttered Kisame, trying not to drop Itachi since he was so slippery.

"you're not the one covered in this stuff." glared the drool-coated weasel, wrapping his arms around Kisame's neck so he won't get dropped.

"OMFG! YAOI! SHOUNEN AI! MY DARLINGS! THIS WAY TO TEH BISHIE-LUFF-NESS" squealed someone in the distance, and what sounded like a stampede was running toward Itachi and Kisame.

". . . holy crap." muttered Kisame in awe.

"... w-what is it?" squeaked Itachi, burying his face in Kisame's neck to stop himself from looking. "a hoard of fan girls, right?"

"... no. worse."

"... what could be worse!"

"a hoard of _yaoi_ fan girls."

". . ."

the stampede of fan girls came closer, and closer, Itachi starting to shake slightly in Kisame's arms and Kisame just frozen with horror.

"THERE THEY ARE! OMFG! THEY'RE ON EACH OTHERS ARMS! OMFG! SQUEEEE!" screamed the fan girls, running toward Itachi and Kisame.

the fan girls screeched at a halt in front of the bishounen and stared, their cameras in hand, and their '_OMFG! SHMEXY BISHIE ALERT!_' expression in place.

Kisame started to understand what Itachi seemed to hate about valentines day. so many of these girls had cards, plushies, and all sorts of other things Kisame didn't want to know about.

some of them even had whips! wtf!

Itachi's eyes peeked over Kisame's shoulder and he was beyond petrified.

"it's all right guys." came a calm voice.

Itachi and Kisame turned to a girl who seemed like the leader of the hoard of rabid yaoi fan girls.

Kisame and Itachi only assumed this because she was wearing a shirt with "YAOI" printed across it and she was holding dog-collar and leads connected to every single other fan girl there.

"... what do you mean?" asked Kisame.

Itachi just eyed all the girls with whips.

the girl just shrugged. "you look tense." she said simply.

"damn right i am." glared Kisame.

_. . . wrong thing to say._

"OMFG! I'LL RUB YOUR SHOULDERS! MEE!"

"NUU! MEEEE! I LOOOOVE YOU SHARKIE-KUN!"

"I WANNA RUB HIS--"

"SILENCE!" shouted the leader fan girl, all the other fan girls stopping squealing.

Kisame stared at them all. "dude..."

Itachi was hoping the fan girls had forgot about him at that moment.

the leader fan girl sent an annoyed look at all the fan girls, almost signalling it wasn't time to attack... yet.

Kisame wiped some of the fan girl-drool off Itachi's back with his hands and looked around.

"listen, ladies, i have no idea what's going on..."

"WE WANT JOO; SHARKIE-KUN-SAMA-SHARK-MAN-KUN TO RAPE ITACHI-SAMA SO WE CAN TAKE PHOOOOTOS!" squealed a random fan girl, all the other fan girls squealing in agreement.

Kisame stared at the fan girls with a look of complete and utter confusion.

Itachi, on the other hand, was sobbing uncontrollably and ranting about how everyone hates him.

Kisame looked at the leader-fan-girl for an explanation.

the leader just nodded and held up her camera.

Kisame looked at the sobbing and fan-girl-drool-coated-bundle in his arms, then back at the fan girls.

"but... i'm not gay."

there was a humungous gasp from all of the fan girls, then silence. all of them staring at Kisame.

"i'm not..." Kisame continued, sweat-dropping.

it looked like nearly all of the fan girls were about to explode from gasping too much and hyperventilating.

Itachi had stopped sobbing and was staring at the fan girls too.

KABOOM

Kisame stared at where the fan girls had been, his eyes wide.

the fan girls had... exploded.

yes. exploded. it was in Kisame's head that humans, shinobi, sharks, and even fan girls couldn't explode from hyperventilating... he was obviously wrong.

Kisame sweat dropped and sighed.

"did you see _that_! they blew up! how _awesome_ is that! they blew up!"

Kisame looked down at Itachi and if he had eyebrows, he would've raised one... again.

Itachi was rambling on with the consistency of someone who just overdosed on painkillers.

"THEY BLEW UP!" squealed the weasel in delight.

"okay... let's get you to a doctor, Itachi-chan" muttered Kisame, walking in the direction they were before.

"THEYALLJUSTBLEWUP!OMFG!SOAWESOME!THEYBLEWUP!" squealed Itachi in one breath, acting amazingly out of character and making the shark that was still carrying him wonder about his partner's sanity.

--

12:45pm 14th of the 2nd.

Kisame had walked through so many villages it wasn't funny.

... it wasn't funny anyway, but... yeah.

Itachi had finally calmed down after a hoard of fan girls had glomped him and Kisame, then a few hours later, he was now back to his stoic, cold, and slightly paranoid self, walking beside Kisame.

and when Kisame was just about to finish his bag of goldfish crackers, there was a high pitched squeal from behind them.

"SHARKIE-SAAAAMMMAAAAA!"

Itachi blinked and Kisame practically choked.

Kisame turned to see a girl that looked some what like a random fourteen / fifteen year old girl, a Gaara plushie hanging off her belt and the letters "YB" printed on her shirt.

_((yes. i had to humiliate myself with this fic... yes. that girl supposed to be me.))_

Itachi looked at the plushie, while Kisame turned a sky-blue colour, the girl looking at Kisame with starry eyes.

"SHARKIE-SAMA!" squealed the girl again, glomping Kisame and wrapping her arms around him.

Kisame was absolutely petrified. he had never met any of his fan girls before... let alone knew there were any!

Itachi just shrugged and took the plushie, putting it in his pocket.

Kisame looked at Itachi with a pleading look and Itachi squirmed.

"don't look at me like that, Kisame. i bought you those goldfish crackers. i'm _not_ getting that fan girl away from you."

"but-- but-- I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD FAN GIRLS!" sobbed Kisame, trying to get away from the girl without touching her, as though she was some horrible disease.

Itachi just looked at the girl and poked with her with the blunt end of a kunai. "oi. fan girl."

the girl's brown eyes turned to Itachi and she gasped.

"ZOMFG YOU'RE UCHIHA ITACHI! JOO AND KISAME ARE PARTNER'S, RIGHT? YOU TWO GOING TO DO YAOI THINGS, RIGHT? RIGHT? RIGHT?"

". . ."

Kisame was now an ice-blue, tinted-green colour, covering his mouth, and Itachi was pale and had dropped his kunai.

"... w-_what_?" asked Itachi in a shaky voice, trying to make sure his lunch wouldn't come up and _hoping_ he had misheard the little fan girl.

"you! and sharkie-kun!" the fan girl squeaked happily, letting go of Kisame and rummaging around in her pockets.

Kisame stood just behind Itachi and kept his hand over his mouth.

Itachi was silent.

"here! i have proof! look!"

". . . ."

"... _daaaaamn_..."

Itachi sent a glare at Kisame and the shark looked away, his cheeks tinted pink.

the fan girl had held out a picture of Itachi and Kisame having some 'fun' in bed, Itachi had gone even more pale and Kisame had gotten ideas... _bad_ ideas.

"... Kisame. kill her."

"whyyyy?" whined Kisame, poking the fan girl and asking if she had any more pictures like that.

"YOU _PERVERT_!" screeched Itachi, his face flushed.

both the fan girl and Kisame stared.

"... Itachi-san..."

"WHAT!"

"... don't look behind you..."

"eh?"

Itachi turned and stared, his eyes going as wide as they would go.

"HOLYFUCKINGCRAP!"

"my fan girl friends! SKA-WEEEEHHHHH! BISHOUNENAHOY! COMEANDJOINME! I FOUND SHARKIE-KUN! I DID!"

"... i hate valentines day."

--

it was now midnight, the day after valentines day.

Itachi was sitting on the top of the tallest tree he could find, Kisame sleeping beside him.

Itachi sighed as the cold breeze nipped at his face and the rustling of paper caught his attention, noticing some paper sticking out of Kisame's pocket.

"...?" wondered the weasel, slipping the paper out and looking at it.

". . . KISAME, YOU _PERVERT_!"

((you will have indubitably lost quite a few brain-cells in reading this, but i wish to congratulate you for not pressing that little square that makes this page disappear. CUDOS! anyway, please don't flame. i know it sucks. that's what happens when i try to write humor on propose. please review and tell my how many brain-cells you lost so i can give you a few i have spare.))


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